Chronicles of a Corporate Intern
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Experience and Adversity
It seems that when we need them the most the people who care about us show their true colors.
The past 24 hours have been a real eye-opener for me. Some people who I thought I'd lost have come back into my life going strong and supporting me amazingly well. And some people who were never really in my life to begin with have made themselves a part of it to see me through. And some, some have been here for me all along and have stuck by my side.
It amazes me how much faith people have in me. Recently all my friends and acquaintances, those who have been following my plight and have been supporting me through it, have been commenting on how strong I am. All of them.
I can't fathom how they can believe in me so strongly. Am I really that stubborn and prideful that all these people are convinced nothing can bring me down?
I'm not sure what it is about me that they see. I know, deep down inside, that they're right. That I'm going to make it through this and anything else life throws my way. I know I'm strong-willed and have an uncanny ability to see the good things when I need to, even if I never seem to at any other time.
Throughout the years I've developed a mentality; some call it morbid. I call it the way things are. I always tell people "either it all works out, or we die."
And it's true - death is the ultimate end. If I get thrown out on the street, robbed, and then raped my life will go on. It will not come to a stop because of a trauma, even one so large and unimaginable as that.
Until death, life goes on.
I have been in a time in a place where I haven't wanted it to. I have poured a variety of chemicals into a glass and sat staring at it until my cat came over and showed me that yes, someone does care. But even though I was so ready for it to be over, I so no longer wanted to be a screw-up, I hated myself and my life and everything around me; life went on.
Had it ended it would have been my choice - and a foolish one. There is no reason to ever give up on life. It seems to me that out of all the things we are given, life is the most valuable gift of all.
I mean, you wouldn't throw out a Bentley because the road had a pothole, would you?
Well, guess what. I drive a Jeep Wrangler bitches. Bring it on.
It's not in my nature nor my belief system to give up. I have been through enough in my short twenty years to realize that faithlessness is foolishness and that above all else we must believe in ourselves and our ability to sustain.
And I do believe in myself. I believe that I can make it through everything that's been handed to me, and I can do it head held high and come out the other side a better person. That's what I intend to do - use my obstacles to become stronger, smarter, and wiser.
If I go through enough, and experience enough pain and adversity, maybe someday I can be as wise and admirable as my grandaddy. Until then I will take the pain and adversity life gives me and strive slowly to that goal. Because what good is strife is we can't learn from it?
The past 24 hours have been a real eye-opener for me. Some people who I thought I'd lost have come back into my life going strong and supporting me amazingly well. And some people who were never really in my life to begin with have made themselves a part of it to see me through. And some, some have been here for me all along and have stuck by my side.
It amazes me how much faith people have in me. Recently all my friends and acquaintances, those who have been following my plight and have been supporting me through it, have been commenting on how strong I am. All of them.
I can't fathom how they can believe in me so strongly. Am I really that stubborn and prideful that all these people are convinced nothing can bring me down?
I'm not sure what it is about me that they see. I know, deep down inside, that they're right. That I'm going to make it through this and anything else life throws my way. I know I'm strong-willed and have an uncanny ability to see the good things when I need to, even if I never seem to at any other time.
Throughout the years I've developed a mentality; some call it morbid. I call it the way things are. I always tell people "either it all works out, or we die."
And it's true - death is the ultimate end. If I get thrown out on the street, robbed, and then raped my life will go on. It will not come to a stop because of a trauma, even one so large and unimaginable as that.
Until death, life goes on.
I have been in a time in a place where I haven't wanted it to. I have poured a variety of chemicals into a glass and sat staring at it until my cat came over and showed me that yes, someone does care. But even though I was so ready for it to be over, I so no longer wanted to be a screw-up, I hated myself and my life and everything around me; life went on.
Had it ended it would have been my choice - and a foolish one. There is no reason to ever give up on life. It seems to me that out of all the things we are given, life is the most valuable gift of all.
I mean, you wouldn't throw out a Bentley because the road had a pothole, would you?
Well, guess what. I drive a Jeep Wrangler bitches. Bring it on.
It's not in my nature nor my belief system to give up. I have been through enough in my short twenty years to realize that faithlessness is foolishness and that above all else we must believe in ourselves and our ability to sustain.
And I do believe in myself. I believe that I can make it through everything that's been handed to me, and I can do it head held high and come out the other side a better person. That's what I intend to do - use my obstacles to become stronger, smarter, and wiser.
If I go through enough, and experience enough pain and adversity, maybe someday I can be as wise and admirable as my grandaddy. Until then I will take the pain and adversity life gives me and strive slowly to that goal. Because what good is strife is we can't learn from it?
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Blessings and Heartbreaks
Life is tough.
In fact, I'm pretty sure it's been said that "Life is pain... And anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something."
It's so true. Every day arises a new adversity, and all we can do is continue to battle through them - sword drawn and head held high.
My life has never been simple; then again, no ones' ever has. We all face difficulties, and we all deal with them in our own ways.
Things started going downhill when I was 12 and my parents got a divorce; and went that way until my senior year of highschool.
18 wasn't a bad year for me, at all.
Then this year hit, and I realize it was all just an act on the part of life to give me the illusion of contentment.
I have expounded about my sickness well enough in this for anyone who wants to know to know, Marilyn's father died, and now... Now my grandaddy is dying.
My grandaddy was like a god to me. He was strong and wise and intelligent and had been through so much, overcome so much. He made me feel special when no one else could. He made me feel like I was someone worth being.
And now I'm losing him.
Not that quickly, not in the next few months losing him - but I am, it's happening, he's going.
I had hope, so much hope, through his triple bypass and through his colon cancer and through whatever other diseases I didn't recognize he's fought these past few months. But now I'm being told there is none.
And that kills me; there should always be hope.
This is so much about me, and so much not. I don't even know which post to write.
It's so much about him: About how the strong and stubborn old man I've always known and loved is now giving up.
It's so much about me, though: About how the one person who never made me feel less than I am is leaving me to fend for myself.
I am beginning to feel like life is just a series of unfortunate events strung together. He and I have both experienced it recently, and I'm beginning to think it will never stop.
It scares me, so much, the similarities of what we are facing. The consistent line of sicknesses; and now, out of all things, he's dying of what started as colon cancer. It scares me.
I have decided to face the high levels of pain that life has confronted me with the only way I know how: By believing that I would not be as blessed as I am if it weren't for the obstacles I must overcome along side.
And with that recognition, I must turn my attention to my grandaddy: Because that's who this is about. I will be fine. My attitude is not a life and death situation. His could be. And if I give up, he will. But if I stay strong, I can't help but hope he will too.
We have both overcome so much, and even if we have overcome it in different places, under different circumstances, there's no reason to stop now.
In fact, I'm pretty sure it's been said that "Life is pain... And anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something."
It's so true. Every day arises a new adversity, and all we can do is continue to battle through them - sword drawn and head held high.
My life has never been simple; then again, no ones' ever has. We all face difficulties, and we all deal with them in our own ways.
Things started going downhill when I was 12 and my parents got a divorce; and went that way until my senior year of highschool.
18 wasn't a bad year for me, at all.
Then this year hit, and I realize it was all just an act on the part of life to give me the illusion of contentment.
I have expounded about my sickness well enough in this for anyone who wants to know to know, Marilyn's father died, and now... Now my grandaddy is dying.
My grandaddy was like a god to me. He was strong and wise and intelligent and had been through so much, overcome so much. He made me feel special when no one else could. He made me feel like I was someone worth being.
And now I'm losing him.
Not that quickly, not in the next few months losing him - but I am, it's happening, he's going.
I had hope, so much hope, through his triple bypass and through his colon cancer and through whatever other diseases I didn't recognize he's fought these past few months. But now I'm being told there is none.
And that kills me; there should always be hope.
This is so much about me, and so much not. I don't even know which post to write.
It's so much about him: About how the strong and stubborn old man I've always known and loved is now giving up.
It's so much about me, though: About how the one person who never made me feel less than I am is leaving me to fend for myself.
I am beginning to feel like life is just a series of unfortunate events strung together. He and I have both experienced it recently, and I'm beginning to think it will never stop.
It scares me, so much, the similarities of what we are facing. The consistent line of sicknesses; and now, out of all things, he's dying of what started as colon cancer. It scares me.
I have decided to face the high levels of pain that life has confronted me with the only way I know how: By believing that I would not be as blessed as I am if it weren't for the obstacles I must overcome along side.
And with that recognition, I must turn my attention to my grandaddy: Because that's who this is about. I will be fine. My attitude is not a life and death situation. His could be. And if I give up, he will. But if I stay strong, I can't help but hope he will too.
We have both overcome so much, and even if we have overcome it in different places, under different circumstances, there's no reason to stop now.
One Strange Morning
So that goes down as one of work's stranger mornings.
I woke up at about 9:00 with a text message from my boss telling me to go into the office today because the CSG team had a special project for me. So in I go.
I get here and plug up my laptop and find two emails from some lady over in CSG. (I still don't know what CSG stands for. Huh.):
The first e-mail is to me and John, the other intern, asking us to come to the CSG area and ask for some guy named Greg. And to make sure we have access to a file (that I didn't have access to.)
The next email simply tells us to bring our laptops.
Then I have a CC'd email from John to his Dad (Who is our Product Dev. Manager) asking for help because he "can't automate this."
Now - at this point I'm thinking "uh-oh", something John wants to automate, that they can't, that they're asking the interns to do. Sounds like bitch work if anything ever was.
Then I have one final email from John, directly to me, no CCs (I always breath when that happens, means I don't have anyone to impress, no professionalism, no show, just a kid talking to another kid. It's all good.). This email says: "Turns out they’ve pretty much finished before I got here and the woman who asked for our help underestimated how fast they were handling it. Odd, eh?"
Oh great. So now I don't know if they need my help, I don't know where CSG, I don't know what's going on. Great.
I e-mail John back expounding this frustration in light-hearted questioning, as always: "Very strange – do they still need me to come over? I don’t even know where this is at, hah"
Then call my daddy and ask where CSG is. It's the "half-walled field cubed downstairs". Information I can work with. I wander down stairs, opting to leave my laptop in my office due to the information received from John, and ask for this "Greg" guy.
A black guy in a sideways tipped baseball cap. It was a really strange sight. There, in the middle of all these geeky, super-white, polo-wearing, suburban-raised computer boys was a black guy in a tipped baseball cap: "Greg".
I walked up, "Hi, I'm Shelley."
"Ahh, you were supposed to help with redactions?"
"Sure."
"We're about done with that, don't worry about it."
"Okay, thanks."
They were going to make us do bloody redactions. I'm so glad I slept in this morning.
But really, it was a rather unprofessional process. I don't want a "special" surprise project of redactions. I don't want to be told to come here and go there when I don't have to. I don't want to be expected to be at the beck and call of someone at 7:45 in the morning who is not my boss, especially when my boss is in New York.
Forget that.
I was hired to do a job and I do it very well. I expect to be treated like a civilized person, not a child. My time is valuable - $15/hour valuable even. So they shouldn't be wasting it.
That hour is going on my time card.
I woke up at about 9:00 with a text message from my boss telling me to go into the office today because the CSG team had a special project for me. So in I go.
I get here and plug up my laptop and find two emails from some lady over in CSG. (I still don't know what CSG stands for. Huh.):
The first e-mail is to me and John, the other intern, asking us to come to the CSG area and ask for some guy named Greg. And to make sure we have access to a file (that I didn't have access to.)
The next email simply tells us to bring our laptops.
Then I have a CC'd email from John to his Dad (Who is our Product Dev. Manager) asking for help because he "can't automate this."
Now - at this point I'm thinking "uh-oh", something John wants to automate, that they can't, that they're asking the interns to do. Sounds like bitch work if anything ever was.
Then I have one final email from John, directly to me, no CCs (I always breath when that happens, means I don't have anyone to impress, no professionalism, no show, just a kid talking to another kid. It's all good.). This email says: "Turns out they’ve pretty much finished before I got here and the woman who asked for our help underestimated how fast they were handling it. Odd, eh?"
Oh great. So now I don't know if they need my help, I don't know where CSG, I don't know what's going on. Great.
I e-mail John back expounding this frustration in light-hearted questioning, as always: "Very strange – do they still need me to come over? I don’t even know where this is at, hah"
Then call my daddy and ask where CSG is. It's the "half-walled field cubed downstairs". Information I can work with. I wander down stairs, opting to leave my laptop in my office due to the information received from John, and ask for this "Greg" guy.
A black guy in a sideways tipped baseball cap. It was a really strange sight. There, in the middle of all these geeky, super-white, polo-wearing, suburban-raised computer boys was a black guy in a tipped baseball cap: "Greg".
I walked up, "Hi, I'm Shelley."
"Ahh, you were supposed to help with redactions?"
"Sure."
"We're about done with that, don't worry about it."
"Okay, thanks."
They were going to make us do bloody redactions. I'm so glad I slept in this morning.
But really, it was a rather unprofessional process. I don't want a "special" surprise project of redactions. I don't want to be told to come here and go there when I don't have to. I don't want to be expected to be at the beck and call of someone at 7:45 in the morning who is not my boss, especially when my boss is in New York.
Forget that.
I was hired to do a job and I do it very well. I expect to be treated like a civilized person, not a child. My time is valuable - $15/hour valuable even. So they shouldn't be wasting it.
That hour is going on my time card.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Two Sides to Every Coin
There are different ways to look at everything. Like today, for example.
I could look at today in the negative light:
I woke up this morning, sick. Had a text message from my dad bailing on our afternoon plans causing Dan and I to have to drive to my house and back to his. While home my dad got mad at me for letting Dan drive my car. I continued to be sick until we left. I missed almost all the birds skeet shooting, I didn't have the right gun for it, and I bruised up my shoulder and made my left arm rather sore. I came back and gorged myself to the point of almost nausiea then spent the evening sitting around doing nothing.
Or, I could give this day the credit it deserves:
I woke up this morning not feeling too well but ended up fine by mid-afternoon, plus I woke up next to an attractive guy, and that always helps. We had some biscuits and gravy and went home to pick up my dad's old 20 guage trap gun so that I could go shooting with Dave and Dan. We went out to the skeet range, and I didn't too badly for my fourth time shooting and my first time shooting skeet. For that matter, I nailed about 8 birds on the last round.
We shot 3 rounds and headed home where Dan cooked up an amazing steak dinner. Just the way I like it too, nice and pink and bloody. Then we hung out all evening in the living room watching Lost and eating homemade rice crispy treats (I am a total rice crispy treat addict).
It was one of the greatest days ever. Ever.
Just not when I describe it that first way, hah.
I'm going to have a really pretty multi-colored shoulder tomorrow. I'm kind of excited.
I could look at today in the negative light:
I woke up this morning, sick. Had a text message from my dad bailing on our afternoon plans causing Dan and I to have to drive to my house and back to his. While home my dad got mad at me for letting Dan drive my car. I continued to be sick until we left. I missed almost all the birds skeet shooting, I didn't have the right gun for it, and I bruised up my shoulder and made my left arm rather sore. I came back and gorged myself to the point of almost nausiea then spent the evening sitting around doing nothing.
Or, I could give this day the credit it deserves:
I woke up this morning not feeling too well but ended up fine by mid-afternoon, plus I woke up next to an attractive guy, and that always helps. We had some biscuits and gravy and went home to pick up my dad's old 20 guage trap gun so that I could go shooting with Dave and Dan. We went out to the skeet range, and I didn't too badly for my fourth time shooting and my first time shooting skeet. For that matter, I nailed about 8 birds on the last round.
We shot 3 rounds and headed home where Dan cooked up an amazing steak dinner. Just the way I like it too, nice and pink and bloody. Then we hung out all evening in the living room watching Lost and eating homemade rice crispy treats (I am a total rice crispy treat addict).
It was one of the greatest days ever. Ever.
Just not when I describe it that first way, hah.
I'm going to have a really pretty multi-colored shoulder tomorrow. I'm kind of excited.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Life is better
So life is better:
I have a much more enjoyable project going on at work
I feel healthier than I have in a long time
I'm riding again
My car is going to be ready to wheel soon
Life is better.
But I don't feel it. I've just been really stressed out, easily annoyed, and a bit of a hermit recently. I don't know why.
I don't even want to be around Dan as much as I normally do. That's not to say I don't want to be around him - because it's Dan, and I am his parasite - but, not as much as I normally do.
Like, rather than wanting to be around him most of the time, and missing him when I'm not, part of me is really happy to be alone.
It's not just him though, otherwise I might chalk it up to having spent too much time around him - it's everyone. I'm hesitant to answer comments/emails/IMs/texts. I just don't want to deal with people.
I've gotten a lot less motivated to do work. I still do it, of course, I just procrastinate, a lot. And I'm really dreading going to help my mother this afternoon. I'd rather just stay home and wash my car. But it's not gonna get washed today, not that it really needs it anyway. Although some touchup paint and a coat of wax probably wouldn't hurt.
Maybe I'm PMSing.
I have a much more enjoyable project going on at work
I feel healthier than I have in a long time
I'm riding again
My car is going to be ready to wheel soon
Life is better.
But I don't feel it. I've just been really stressed out, easily annoyed, and a bit of a hermit recently. I don't know why.
I don't even want to be around Dan as much as I normally do. That's not to say I don't want to be around him - because it's Dan, and I am his parasite - but, not as much as I normally do.
Like, rather than wanting to be around him most of the time, and missing him when I'm not, part of me is really happy to be alone.
It's not just him though, otherwise I might chalk it up to having spent too much time around him - it's everyone. I'm hesitant to answer comments/emails/IMs/texts. I just don't want to deal with people.
I've gotten a lot less motivated to do work. I still do it, of course, I just procrastinate, a lot. And I'm really dreading going to help my mother this afternoon. I'd rather just stay home and wash my car. But it's not gonna get washed today, not that it really needs it anyway. Although some touchup paint and a coat of wax probably wouldn't hurt.
Maybe I'm PMSing.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Resurrecting the Past?
I have a dressage lesson this afternoon...
For the first time in 5 years.
Oh yes, and I'm sorry, but I've become completely addicted to www.JeepForum.com
For the first time in 5 years.
Oh yes, and I'm sorry, but I've become completely addicted to www.JeepForum.com
Sunday, July 20, 2008
A Weekend of Paradox
I can't decide if this weekend was one of the worst ever, or one of the best ever. It's split in half.
On the downside:
Apparently there was some stuff I was supposed to have done for work on Friday. Of course, I didn't realize that. And then I didn't realize that Friday meant friday afternoon. So I ended up working late Friday night, a little Saturday morning/night, and Sunday early afternoon.
I was annoyed, to say the least. It was a miscommunication, but one that had better never happen again, because I refuse to make a habit out of this like my father has.
I also got an email from a hypocritical manipulative stalker who can't leave me alone after 2 years. Those of you who know who I'm talking about also know I completely ignored it, got a hug and a kiss on the forehead from Dan, and went back to my car.
On the upside:
As I was typing that last section I got a text from my boss telling me to add 10 extra hours to my time sheet. Awesome. I need the money, and that makes it all worth it, hah.
Plus, I now own a two-tone Jeep Wrangler. Hell yeah. We spray-painted my fenders "spice" (according to Jeep) or "buckskin" (according to Duplicolor) to match my top and interior. We also fixed the cracked front fender.
My boyfriend is awesome, because not only did he fix the fender; he explained what he was doing every step of the way and taught me how to paint and let me take my front fenders off/put them back on (the back ones were a real pain, I let him deal with that, hah).
We also went and saw Mammi Mia with a bunch of our friends. The movie was hilarious, and everybody should go see it. You will be singing Abba songs for the rest of the day though, so beware. Amanda and I decided we were going to be the psychotic old ladies on the island in Greece dancing on the dock to Abba.
We also went to the Wing Dome for dinner (the rest of them went out after and saw Black Knight but Dan and I are waiting until we can get I-Max tickets, because it's going to be AMAZING on I-Max.) Anyway, Amanda, John, Duncan, and Stavie all made it through 7-alarm wings. I sat their and laughed, and did a poor job pretending to be upset that my health kept me from participating.
John is back in town, which is awesome (for me, Dan's not so excited... I can't imagine why...) We've been planning to go check out Fortune Creek FOREVER and haven't made it yet, and now that my Jeep is put back together a little we're going to have to head up there.
So all in all I suppose it was a pretty decent weekend, jsut a little stressful. And I suppose it's going to be a pretty decent week - I start taking dressage lessons again on Wednesday! You really can't have a bad week with that to look forward to.
On the downside:
Apparently there was some stuff I was supposed to have done for work on Friday. Of course, I didn't realize that. And then I didn't realize that Friday meant friday afternoon. So I ended up working late Friday night, a little Saturday morning/night, and Sunday early afternoon.
I was annoyed, to say the least. It was a miscommunication, but one that had better never happen again, because I refuse to make a habit out of this like my father has.
I also got an email from a hypocritical manipulative stalker who can't leave me alone after 2 years. Those of you who know who I'm talking about also know I completely ignored it, got a hug and a kiss on the forehead from Dan, and went back to my car.
On the upside:
As I was typing that last section I got a text from my boss telling me to add 10 extra hours to my time sheet. Awesome. I need the money, and that makes it all worth it, hah.
Plus, I now own a two-tone Jeep Wrangler. Hell yeah. We spray-painted my fenders "spice" (according to Jeep) or "buckskin" (according to Duplicolor) to match my top and interior. We also fixed the cracked front fender.
My boyfriend is awesome, because not only did he fix the fender; he explained what he was doing every step of the way and taught me how to paint and let me take my front fenders off/put them back on (the back ones were a real pain, I let him deal with that, hah).
We also went and saw Mammi Mia with a bunch of our friends. The movie was hilarious, and everybody should go see it. You will be singing Abba songs for the rest of the day though, so beware. Amanda and I decided we were going to be the psychotic old ladies on the island in Greece dancing on the dock to Abba.
We also went to the Wing Dome for dinner (the rest of them went out after and saw Black Knight but Dan and I are waiting until we can get I-Max tickets, because it's going to be AMAZING on I-Max.) Anyway, Amanda, John, Duncan, and Stavie all made it through 7-alarm wings. I sat their and laughed, and did a poor job pretending to be upset that my health kept me from participating.
John is back in town, which is awesome (for me, Dan's not so excited... I can't imagine why...) We've been planning to go check out Fortune Creek FOREVER and haven't made it yet, and now that my Jeep is put back together a little we're going to have to head up there.
So all in all I suppose it was a pretty decent weekend, jsut a little stressful. And I suppose it's going to be a pretty decent week - I start taking dressage lessons again on Wednesday! You really can't have a bad week with that to look forward to.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Life, Love, and Egotism.
I'm pretty okay with myself. Anyone close to me can tell you that. Anyone who's read this thing can probably tell you that.
But when it comes to one thing I am a total self-doubting wreck: my love life.
I've been through some crap, we all have, but I don't really think that my history is what has me so messed up.
My parents are divorced, my uncle got divorced, my aunt has been divorced - twice now.
That's the entire generation on that side of the family. Relationships don't work out.
Then there's the media - boys are liars and cheaters and will abuse you. Relationships don't work out.
Then there's my father - boys are liars and emotionally manipulating and will abuse you. They're bad people. Stay away. Relationships don't work out.
Now, the boy I'm with is the most honest, supportive guy I could hope for. Yeah, sure, he makes me feel like a dumb-ass sometimes and he's a bit of an asshole, but I am a dumb-ass sometimes and I'm a bit of a bitch. So it's all good.
What I'm getting at though, is that despite my egotism when it comes to the rest of my world, my life has set me up for failure in this category. I'm so insecure when it comes to guys that I can't help but freak out about every little thing; especially when it comes to history.
I've been trying, really really hard, especially when we were doing the distance thing, to get over all my insecurities and jealousies and such; but it just keeps getting worse. The longer I'm with him the more scared I am of losing him and the worse I get about things.
It's too good to be true - and nothing that's too good to be true ever is, is it? This is supposed to be, I don't see how it couldn't be. I know him well, I've known him for years, I've seen him in his past relationships, I know his family; why can't I just be happy with what I've got? Why do I have to worry so much?
And, for that matter, am I really worried about losing him or am I just being jealous about something else?
I am one of the most jealous people alive; as a general rule. It detriments a lot of things in life and I'm trying to get better about it - I was making progress before I started getting sick.
It's almost amazing how much sickness can throw off your life. It's like a whole new load of emotional crap I have to work through again. The fact that I do feel good about myself now is a huge step in the right direction - there was a long time there where I just felt disgusting and broken and whiny, and it was horrible.
Back to square one. I pray to whatever higher power may be out there to hear me that his patience remains as steadfast as it has been and that I can improve and earn that patience. Argh, some things are so frusterating.
Also, it was decided last night in a late night conversation via myspace messages that my insomnia is named Nigel and has cruel parents (who named him Nigel) and thick glasses and very few friends.
But when it comes to one thing I am a total self-doubting wreck: my love life.
I've been through some crap, we all have, but I don't really think that my history is what has me so messed up.
My parents are divorced, my uncle got divorced, my aunt has been divorced - twice now.
That's the entire generation on that side of the family. Relationships don't work out.
Then there's the media - boys are liars and cheaters and will abuse you. Relationships don't work out.
Then there's my father - boys are liars and emotionally manipulating and will abuse you. They're bad people. Stay away. Relationships don't work out.
Now, the boy I'm with is the most honest, supportive guy I could hope for. Yeah, sure, he makes me feel like a dumb-ass sometimes and he's a bit of an asshole, but I am a dumb-ass sometimes and I'm a bit of a bitch. So it's all good.
What I'm getting at though, is that despite my egotism when it comes to the rest of my world, my life has set me up for failure in this category. I'm so insecure when it comes to guys that I can't help but freak out about every little thing; especially when it comes to history.
I've been trying, really really hard, especially when we were doing the distance thing, to get over all my insecurities and jealousies and such; but it just keeps getting worse. The longer I'm with him the more scared I am of losing him and the worse I get about things.
It's too good to be true - and nothing that's too good to be true ever is, is it? This is supposed to be, I don't see how it couldn't be. I know him well, I've known him for years, I've seen him in his past relationships, I know his family; why can't I just be happy with what I've got? Why do I have to worry so much?
And, for that matter, am I really worried about losing him or am I just being jealous about something else?
I am one of the most jealous people alive; as a general rule. It detriments a lot of things in life and I'm trying to get better about it - I was making progress before I started getting sick.
It's almost amazing how much sickness can throw off your life. It's like a whole new load of emotional crap I have to work through again. The fact that I do feel good about myself now is a huge step in the right direction - there was a long time there where I just felt disgusting and broken and whiny, and it was horrible.
Back to square one. I pray to whatever higher power may be out there to hear me that his patience remains as steadfast as it has been and that I can improve and earn that patience. Argh, some things are so frusterating.
Also, it was decided last night in a late night conversation via myspace messages that my insomnia is named Nigel and has cruel parents (who named him Nigel) and thick glasses and very few friends.
Labels: Boys, Family, I'm Female, Ramblings, Sick
Monday, July 14, 2008
"Some women wear red hats... I drive THIS"
So since my sojourn into the mud:
I have become mildly obsessed with this whole off-roading thing. I cleaned up my car and have been shopping for ways to spend ridiculous amounts of money on it. I'm learning, a lot, about Jeeps, particularly TJ Wranglers (1998 Sport editions even).
My first order of business, of course, is to finish up with all the 100,000 mile marker engine work. Radiator flush, etc. There's about $200 to do there and that'll be out of my next 2 paychecks. Also Dan wants to get me a new stereo and split the cost, so that'll be in that set too.
My next step will be to get some basic off-roading materials - tow hooks, tow straps, a CB radio, some tools, a first-aid kit. To put it simply I want to join the Oregon BushHackers, so I need this list of stuff. That'll be the third paycheck coming.
After that prices go up and my ability to predict where the money is going to come from goes down. However, I want to start by replacing my beat up bumpers (damn black ice and hit and run drivers) with these tubular steel beauties (they have them in front bumpers as well). Yeah, back into me now bitch.
I also need a new top, as the one I have is falling apart (or, at least, the little foldy tabs used to keep it on are coming off due to poor design on the dealer's part). I decided it'd be sweet to get a sunrider (If I'm gonna go, might as well go for broke, eh?). Considering northwest weather, it seemed to be a good idea.
One thing I noticed during my recent excursion is that my carpet interior got a little trashed (and yes, I have thick, rubber floormats. There is a video of me dumping a puddle out of the driver's side one that is pretty entertaining). As such, I want to replace it: with desert camo vinyl. Because I am that badass.
I'm also thinking of, but haven't gotten around to shopping for, considering it's all way down the road:
After market fenders
A good winch
A light bar
Some good speakers
And as for some cheaper stuff to pick up along the way, I'm looking at:
Seat covers
A new steering wheel cover
And oh yes, new decals
Me and Jeep Jeep have got some fun times coming.
My first order of business, of course, is to finish up with all the 100,000 mile marker engine work. Radiator flush, etc. There's about $200 to do there and that'll be out of my next 2 paychecks. Also Dan wants to get me a new stereo and split the cost, so that'll be in that set too.
My next step will be to get some basic off-roading materials - tow hooks, tow straps, a CB radio, some tools, a first-aid kit. To put it simply I want to join the Oregon BushHackers, so I need this list of stuff. That'll be the third paycheck coming.
After that prices go up and my ability to predict where the money is going to come from goes down. However, I want to start by replacing my beat up bumpers (damn black ice and hit and run drivers) with these tubular steel beauties (they have them in front bumpers as well). Yeah, back into me now bitch.
I also need a new top, as the one I have is falling apart (or, at least, the little foldy tabs used to keep it on are coming off due to poor design on the dealer's part). I decided it'd be sweet to get a sunrider (If I'm gonna go, might as well go for broke, eh?). Considering northwest weather, it seemed to be a good idea.
One thing I noticed during my recent excursion is that my carpet interior got a little trashed (and yes, I have thick, rubber floormats. There is a video of me dumping a puddle out of the driver's side one that is pretty entertaining). As such, I want to replace it: with desert camo vinyl. Because I am that badass.
I'm also thinking of, but haven't gotten around to shopping for, considering it's all way down the road:
After market fenders
A good winch
A light bar
Some good speakers
And as for some cheaper stuff to pick up along the way, I'm looking at:
Seat covers
A new steering wheel cover
And oh yes, new decals
Me and Jeep Jeep have got some fun times coming.
Labels: Cars
Sunday, July 13, 2008
A Weekend Alive
Sometimes I feel like I've spent the past few months withering away into nothingness. But this weekend was different - this weekend made me feel alive again.
I've found that Dan will do pretty much anything with me, if I come up with the idea and make the plans.
A while ago we agreed that I would take Fridays off (he works 4 10s and has them off too) and we would go hiking every Friday. I started that this weekend with a trip up to Goat Lake. Not that we made it all the way to the lake, him having worked at a pizza parlor and played video games and drank beer for the past 8 months and me having been sick for so long. But we still drove out to the middle of fricken no where (and I mean middle of nowhere - it's outside of the town, past the little town, past the random grocer that doesn't seem to belong anywhere, 30 miles down the scenic NFS highway, onto the dirt road, and then onto the even-more-dirt-road-with-rocks-and-such.), we wandered around for about 3 hours up and down hills and I took lots and lots of pictures (of him, he got annoyed).
Then, yesterday, I randomly decided to take a trip out to Ocean Shores (as stated below) and we spent the day wandering the beach and skim boarding.
And then, today, I went out and looked at more stables because I'm going to start riding again later this week.
Hah! In your face angry vindictive higher power that keeps tearing my body to pieces!
I've found that Dan will do pretty much anything with me, if I come up with the idea and make the plans.
A while ago we agreed that I would take Fridays off (he works 4 10s and has them off too) and we would go hiking every Friday. I started that this weekend with a trip up to Goat Lake. Not that we made it all the way to the lake, him having worked at a pizza parlor and played video games and drank beer for the past 8 months and me having been sick for so long. But we still drove out to the middle of fricken no where (and I mean middle of nowhere - it's outside of the town, past the little town, past the random grocer that doesn't seem to belong anywhere, 30 miles down the scenic NFS highway, onto the dirt road, and then onto the even-more-dirt-road-with-rocks-and-such.), we wandered around for about 3 hours up and down hills and I took lots and lots of pictures (of him, he got annoyed).
Then, yesterday, I randomly decided to take a trip out to Ocean Shores (as stated below) and we spent the day wandering the beach and skim boarding.
And then, today, I went out and looked at more stables because I'm going to start riding again later this week.
Hah! In your face angry vindictive higher power that keeps tearing my body to pieces!
Mortality
I've heard many times that people feel small next to the ocean.
I went to the ocean today, and after a few spills off the skim board I waded out waste-deep and let the waves crash by me for a few minutes, and I have to say - small isn't how I would describe it.
Forests make me feel small; standing next to a 100 foot tall, 150 year-old tree; that makes me feel small. The ocean, though, is a different feeling altogether.
Splashed up on the shores were hundreds of dead crabs. I was stepping on them as I waded out to sea. It was more than a little eerie.
And I realized, standing there, feeling the current push me and pull me at it's own will, that that is really what the ocean is about. Life and death - in and out, like the waves, like the tide.
And that's how the ocean made me feel: mortal. In any moment a wave could come crashing down on me or a current could sweep me out and I would be just like those crabs. Nothing more than bones for a wandering foot to crush, nothing more than a thought and a memory crushed into the sand.
The ocean may make some feel small - but the ocean isn't powerful just because of its size. And saying it makes you feel small disregards that power. The ocean is mollifying in many ways - as it should be - as we should all see it to be.
I went to the ocean today, and after a few spills off the skim board I waded out waste-deep and let the waves crash by me for a few minutes, and I have to say - small isn't how I would describe it.
Forests make me feel small; standing next to a 100 foot tall, 150 year-old tree; that makes me feel small. The ocean, though, is a different feeling altogether.
Splashed up on the shores were hundreds of dead crabs. I was stepping on them as I waded out to sea. It was more than a little eerie.
And I realized, standing there, feeling the current push me and pull me at it's own will, that that is really what the ocean is about. Life and death - in and out, like the waves, like the tide.
And that's how the ocean made me feel: mortal. In any moment a wave could come crashing down on me or a current could sweep me out and I would be just like those crabs. Nothing more than bones for a wandering foot to crush, nothing more than a thought and a memory crushed into the sand.
The ocean may make some feel small - but the ocean isn't powerful just because of its size. And saying it makes you feel small disregards that power. The ocean is mollifying in many ways - as it should be - as we should all see it to be.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Military Bootcamp
Life's like a rollercoaster ride. How cliche is that? It's one of those things everybody says all the time.
Well I beg to differ. I don't know about the rest of the world but my life feels absolutely nothing like I'm sitting on some amusement ride watching all this stuff go on around me, terrified out of my wits. Okay, maybe I'm terrified out of my wits, but then life could be like a horrible car-accident or a near-death experience too, if that's all we're basing it on. Fallacies, fallacies, fallacies.
My life is more proactive than a rollercoaster ride, though maybe I live my life more assertively than most, I can't tell, seeing as I'm not most and I have no access to the minds, thought patterns, or lives of most.
My life, though, feels a little more like a stereotypical, movie-style, military training camp. Not the realistic ones, but the fun ones; the ones where you feel like you're friends with all the soldiers.
You know, you wake up every morning and spend all day running around, overcoming obstacles, being taught to conform and being given orders and instructions. Then, every once in a while, you get to go out with all soldiers buddies and get drunk. There are always sarcastic remarks, bad puns, and ironic moments - but it's always work, it's always hard, and every once in a while you have to break loose or else you'll go psychotic. (Though I'm missing a lovable fat kid who works really hard and just barely graduates.)
I don't drink a lot, and I don't have to climb walls or anything, but you catch my drift.
I think maybe this has a lot do with the fact that life is hard. And maybe that surprises me, but maybe not. I think I keep expecting to wake up one day and all my health and money issues will be fixed and I can just move on. But the fact of the matter is, if it's not one thing it's another. Probably on that day I will get in a horrific fight with Dan, horribly offend my parents, and my cat will die.
Life is not a matter of overcoming hardships to be happy, but a matter of learning to be happy with hardships. And I am, happy that is. Sure, I may have just compared my life to a military bootcamp from a bad movie, but I'm really okay with that, because it means I'm trying, I'm working. And you know what, I still love every second of it.
Well I beg to differ. I don't know about the rest of the world but my life feels absolutely nothing like I'm sitting on some amusement ride watching all this stuff go on around me, terrified out of my wits. Okay, maybe I'm terrified out of my wits, but then life could be like a horrible car-accident or a near-death experience too, if that's all we're basing it on. Fallacies, fallacies, fallacies.
My life is more proactive than a rollercoaster ride, though maybe I live my life more assertively than most, I can't tell, seeing as I'm not most and I have no access to the minds, thought patterns, or lives of most.
My life, though, feels a little more like a stereotypical, movie-style, military training camp. Not the realistic ones, but the fun ones; the ones where you feel like you're friends with all the soldiers.
You know, you wake up every morning and spend all day running around, overcoming obstacles, being taught to conform and being given orders and instructions. Then, every once in a while, you get to go out with all soldiers buddies and get drunk. There are always sarcastic remarks, bad puns, and ironic moments - but it's always work, it's always hard, and every once in a while you have to break loose or else you'll go psychotic. (Though I'm missing a lovable fat kid who works really hard and just barely graduates.)
I don't drink a lot, and I don't have to climb walls or anything, but you catch my drift.
I think maybe this has a lot do with the fact that life is hard. And maybe that surprises me, but maybe not. I think I keep expecting to wake up one day and all my health and money issues will be fixed and I can just move on. But the fact of the matter is, if it's not one thing it's another. Probably on that day I will get in a horrific fight with Dan, horribly offend my parents, and my cat will die.
Life is not a matter of overcoming hardships to be happy, but a matter of learning to be happy with hardships. And I am, happy that is. Sure, I may have just compared my life to a military bootcamp from a bad movie, but I'm really okay with that, because it means I'm trying, I'm working. And you know what, I still love every second of it.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Genius, Pure Genius
I enabled comment notification.
So now I will notice when people say things to me.
Yeah, I know, it was one of my more intelligent oversights.
Now, if you don't mind, left over wedding cake and bed are calling me. Screaming for me, really.
So now I will notice when people say things to me.
Yeah, I know, it was one of my more intelligent oversights.
Now, if you don't mind, left over wedding cake and bed are calling me. Screaming for me, really.
Labels: Ramblings
An Epic Day
Yes, that is the word I have chosen: Epic.
Today was epic.
Not necessarily the good kind of epic, but epic, none-the-less.
Let me walk you through this, step by step.
I headed home from Renton last night and fought my way through stop and go traffic. Why? Oh yeah, because 405 North is under construction and I ALWAYS forget.
So I get home at around 12:30 (I left around 11:00). Awesome, yeah? An hour goofing around and dragging my feet, an hour tossing and turning in bed, asleep by 2:30. No big deal, I can sleep in a little because I haven't got much work... But my battered, broken body has other plans.
I wake up 2 hours later, at 4:30, with pain and pressure in my ear. Now, I'm no stranger to pain, and usually if I ignore it long enough it goes away. So, I lay there for an hour, waiting for it to go away, but no. Send a text to Dan, and lay back down, waiting for it to go away, but no. So I lay there for another 2 hours, and finally start drifting back to sleep around 7:30. And there I lay, dozing, never fully asleep, but not really awake either, until 9:30.
At this point I decide this is probably bad, so I give my doctor's office a call and tell them I want their earliest appointment available. It's with the PA, but that's okay, because an RN treated my ulcerative colitis when no one else could. So into the doctor's office I go.
Now - the only reason I have this doctor is because of a viral infection in my lungs that caused a respratory infection that prevented me from breathing. This happened in the past month or two. Un-cool. And now I'm back again. Woohoo!
The PA, a very nice lady if I may say so, informed me that I have an ear infection that has created a hole in my ear-drum. Awesome. So she prescribed me some super-strong antibiotics and told me to come back in a couple weeks for a hearing test and let her know it didn't work. And next time don't ignore chronic ear-pain for a year. (Apparently it's a dumb thing to do, who knew?)
So - back home I go, contemplating the fact that I have had 3 infections in the past 2 months. So what do I do? Ring up my gastroenterologist - "Uhhh, is there a link between colitis and the immune system?". Of course, I have to play phone tag for a couple hours before I finally get the question to someone who can get the question to someone who can answer it (It had to go through two other people first).
While waiting for the person who can get the question to someone who can answer to get the question to someone who can answer it I decided to head down and pick up my prescription. So I mozy into my Safeway pharmacy, where I get my Asacol refills - a place I've used enough times that I wasn't too concerened about it.
They grab my prescription and ring me up - $20. Sweet, that's okay, 'cause I have $300 in my bank account and a check! Yeah, except not. My debit card gets denied. So, slightly confused, I run it as credit; denied.
Now, at this point I'm freaking out. I think I had the right to do so, apologizing to the pharmacist and telling him I had to call the bank I step off to the side and pull out my handy little PDA-style super-fantastic overly-pimped-out phone and head to my online banking.
Available Balance: $289.90 - Correct
Pending Balance: $-91.90 - Not So Correct
What the fuck?
Freaking out even more I booked it home (a short drive luckily, because I was having trouble keeping myself composed), and spend about 3 minutes panicking. I phone the bank and get put on hold, and then get put on hold again, and then get put on hold again, and for good measure, get put on hold a fourth time. (It was okay though, their hold music was instrumentalized gussied up Backstreet Boys songs - and oh yes, I was totally singing along, out of tune.) Explaining my situation yet again, I was informed that the transaction already went through, and they talked to my branch and they won't have any more information until tomorrow.
What the fuck?
I HAVE BLOODY FRAUD ALERT. That, of course, didn't occur to me at the moment. At the moment is more of a "Uhhh... What?", so I thanked the lady, hung up the phone, and sat in stunned silence for a few minutes.
And then I did what any composed, grown up young lady would do. I cried and called my daddy and my boyfriend.
My dad came home and lent me $10 to go get my prescriptions (I had $15 in cash in my wallet from bowling the other night). So I took a shower and headed out to get my prescriptions - which were still on the counter waiting for me - by which point it was 4:00. I left immediatly after that to make it to Renton by 5:00.
My evening faired well, luckily. (I even remembered to take I-5 home instead of 405, and I had leftover wedding cake, and I get to yell at bank people tomorrow for not calling me despite the fraud alert tag I know is on my bank account, since I do pay LifeLock $10 a month to make sure it's on my bank account. Idiot bankers.)
One thing though: Do you see work in there anywhere?
No, me niether.
My boss going to be unimpressed.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Colons are scary, after all
Apparently my immune system is too worried about attacking my colon to consider dealing with these relatively minor infections eating holes in my ear drum and swelling up my throat, thereby preventing the mildly necessary act of breathing.
Labels: Sick
Complimenting 101
Guys don't seem to get it a lot of the time. Girls don't really care to hear wolf whistles or "Hey hottie" out of your car window. I mean, sure, it keeps our esteem up, but it gets annoying real fast.
I ran into a guy at Safeway yesterday, though, that had it figured out. There was no hitting on me, there was nothing creepy about it. He was sitting at a table with his friend people-watching when I walked past, and he just said "You're pretty."
That was it, end of story. It was calm, placid, and real laid-back. A statement of fact, nothing more.
That's how it should be done.
I ran into a guy at Safeway yesterday, though, that had it figured out. There was no hitting on me, there was nothing creepy about it. He was sitting at a table with his friend people-watching when I walked past, and he just said "You're pretty."
That was it, end of story. It was calm, placid, and real laid-back. A statement of fact, nothing more.
That's how it should be done.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Weddings and Work
Yesterday was my boyfriend's 21st birthday.
It was also his cousin's wedding reception.
A bit selfish of her, perhaps, but we had fun (and he got his beer).
They had their wedding in Jamaica and it looked absolutely beautiful. On a beach, in the sun. The only thing that could've made it better was a horse or two.
All of us silly little girls plan out our weddings. I don't even know why - I've never been the kind of girl who's in a hurry to get married or start a family. I don't even know if I want to start a family. Not to say I'm completely giving up on the idea, I just don't feel that that's a decision I'm ready to make nor a decision I should make on my own.
As a pretty ambitious young lady, academic-focused and career-driven, I still have my strange little domestic dreams. Like to have a giant log-style house in the forest, with 2 horses and 2 mules in the back, and to own a '67 t-top Camaro so I can make my Jeep into an honest-to-God ORV (that counts as a domestic dream, right?).
As such, I still have my dream wedding. And they pretty damn near hit the mark - a small wedding on a beach somewhere warm, or in the mountains; an exotic honeymoon; then a huge, fun reception somewhere meaningful.
And it makes me wonder - why do we have these dreams?
If I haven't made it clear, I'm not exactly the type of girl to think about this stuff. Not to say I'm not a sop and a total romantic, 'cause that'd be a lie. I'm creative and dreamy - but I've always considered men relatively disposable.
I should be careful with that, because the man I'm with is one I'm madly in love with and never ever want to lose and plan to keep for as long as he'll have me (finally one I'm willing to put effort in for and am willing to drop the walls for, that's a first).
But I was always taught that career comes before men, and that I should always be able to stand on my own two feet. And I plan to remember that - maybe less so the career comes before men, because honestly, if I'm in a happy marriage I'd keep the happy marriage over the career (oh yes, you heard me, I admitted it, love before money.). But I will always always be able to stand on my own two feet. I don't want a man I need as much as I want a man I want.
It was also his cousin's wedding reception.
A bit selfish of her, perhaps, but we had fun (and he got his beer).
They had their wedding in Jamaica and it looked absolutely beautiful. On a beach, in the sun. The only thing that could've made it better was a horse or two.
All of us silly little girls plan out our weddings. I don't even know why - I've never been the kind of girl who's in a hurry to get married or start a family. I don't even know if I want to start a family. Not to say I'm completely giving up on the idea, I just don't feel that that's a decision I'm ready to make nor a decision I should make on my own.
As a pretty ambitious young lady, academic-focused and career-driven, I still have my strange little domestic dreams. Like to have a giant log-style house in the forest, with 2 horses and 2 mules in the back, and to own a '67 t-top Camaro so I can make my Jeep into an honest-to-God ORV (that counts as a domestic dream, right?).
As such, I still have my dream wedding. And they pretty damn near hit the mark - a small wedding on a beach somewhere warm, or in the mountains; an exotic honeymoon; then a huge, fun reception somewhere meaningful.
And it makes me wonder - why do we have these dreams?
If I haven't made it clear, I'm not exactly the type of girl to think about this stuff. Not to say I'm not a sop and a total romantic, 'cause that'd be a lie. I'm creative and dreamy - but I've always considered men relatively disposable.
I should be careful with that, because the man I'm with is one I'm madly in love with and never ever want to lose and plan to keep for as long as he'll have me (finally one I'm willing to put effort in for and am willing to drop the walls for, that's a first).
But I was always taught that career comes before men, and that I should always be able to stand on my own two feet. And I plan to remember that - maybe less so the career comes before men, because honestly, if I'm in a happy marriage I'd keep the happy marriage over the career (oh yes, you heard me, I admitted it, love before money.). But I will always always be able to stand on my own two feet. I don't want a man I need as much as I want a man I want.
Labels: Boys, I'm Female, Work
Some People Celebrate the Birth of Jesus Christ, My People Celebrate Their Ability to Blow Things Up
Fourth of July.
The time of year when we celebrate our ancestor's blowing up of things by blowing things up ourselves.
And oh yes, did we blow things up. I even made a toy pony fly. It was a tough little colt. Seemed to stay intact no matter how many tanks I ran over it, no matter how many firecrackers I strapped to it, and no matter how many roman candles I shot at it (We melted a toy soldier to it, and usually the soldier went flying off but the horse lived through it all).
We also have the greatest fireworks show around.
Awesome day.
The time of year when we celebrate our ancestor's blowing up of things by blowing things up ourselves.
And oh yes, did we blow things up. I even made a toy pony fly. It was a tough little colt. Seemed to stay intact no matter how many tanks I ran over it, no matter how many firecrackers I strapped to it, and no matter how many roman candles I shot at it (We melted a toy soldier to it, and usually the soldier went flying off but the horse lived through it all).
We also have the greatest fireworks show around.
Awesome day.
