Chronicles of a Corporate Intern

I'm pretty okay with myself. Anyone close to me can tell you that. Anyone who's read this thing can probably tell you that.

But when it comes to one thing I am a total self-doubting wreck: my love life.

I've been through some crap, we all have, but I don't really think that my history is what has me so messed up.

My parents are divorced, my uncle got divorced, my aunt has been divorced - twice now.

That's the entire generation on that side of the family. Relationships don't work out.

Then there's the media - boys are liars and cheaters and will abuse you. Relationships don't work out.

Then there's my father - boys are liars and emotionally manipulating and will abuse you. They're bad people. Stay away. Relationships don't work out.

Now, the boy I'm with is the most honest, supportive guy I could hope for. Yeah, sure, he makes me feel like a dumb-ass sometimes and he's a bit of an asshole, but I am a dumb-ass sometimes and I'm a bit of a bitch. So it's all good.

What I'm getting at though, is that despite my egotism when it comes to the rest of my world, my life has set me up for failure in this category. I'm so insecure when it comes to guys that I can't help but freak out about every little thing; especially when it comes to history.

I've been trying, really really hard, especially when we were doing the distance thing, to get over all my insecurities and jealousies and such; but it just keeps getting worse. The longer I'm with him the more scared I am of losing him and the worse I get about things.

It's too good to be true - and nothing that's too good to be true ever is, is it? This is supposed to be, I don't see how it couldn't be. I know him well, I've known him for years, I've seen him in his past relationships, I know his family; why can't I just be happy with what I've got? Why do I have to worry so much?

And, for that matter, am I really worried about losing him or am I just being jealous about something else?

I am one of the most jealous people alive; as a general rule. It detriments a lot of things in life and I'm trying to get better about it - I was making progress before I started getting sick.

It's almost amazing how much sickness can throw off your life. It's like a whole new load of emotional crap I have to work through again. The fact that I do feel good about myself now is a huge step in the right direction - there was a long time there where I just felt disgusting and broken and whiny, and it was horrible.

Back to square one. I pray to whatever higher power may be out there to hear me that his patience remains as steadfast as it has been and that I can improve and earn that patience. Argh, some things are so frusterating.

Also, it was decided last night in a late night conversation via myspace messages that my insomnia is named Nigel and has cruel parents (who named him Nigel) and thick glasses and very few friends.

Labels: Boys, Family, I'm Female, Ramblings, Sick