Chronicles of a Corporate Intern

I've been trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Why I feel so frustrated and sad and angry and empty all the time.

I might just be sad about Grandaddy.

But part of me thinks there's more to it.

And I really think it's related to not being happy with myself.

I'm a proud person. I know my good attributes. But people still cause me to second guess myself all the time.

I am constantly proving myself a judgemental hypocrite; I have a short temper; I'm a very jealous person; I'm extremely selfish; and I have piles upon piles of emotional issues.

Not to mention: I am one obnoxious little brat! I annoy MYSELF sometimes!

Oh yeah, and I'm immature; really airheaded; stuck up; spoiled; an elitist; fickle; flacky; a bad friend; a difficult girlfriend...

I hate that I feel like I'm driving people away. I don't want to. I love the people in my life right now. I wanna keep them.

There's so much wrong with me - mentally, emotionally, physically - I don't even know where to start on fixing it all. I mean, clearly with the physically, but that's mostly taken care of now; so where do I go from here? How can I fix myself?

I feel stupid saying this, because I know it's a bad thing to think; but all I want is to be perfect and to make everyone else happy.

It doesn't seem like it should be this difficult until I word it like that...

So if that's true, why do I still feel defective for not achieving my clearly impossible goal?

AND... On top of all that...

I'm wanting attention more than ever now. It's not like I'm being ignored by anyone. I don't know, maybe I just feel like I can't talk to anyone. I think that's probably part of my problem.

People keep trying to cheer me up. I don't need be cheered up.

People keep trying to point out all the good things in my life. I know what they are.

All I really need is someone to reassure me that things have kind of sucked for me recently. That it's not all in my head. That I'm not being overdramatic.

I need to know that it's okay to be angry and frustrated every once in a while.

Why can't I know that? Why do I have to beat myself up just for feeling negative, and then feel even more negative, and then start this aweful psychotic useless cycle?

Bah.

Driving has really become therapy for me. It's one of the only times I cry.

There's something about driving down a road with the top down late at night with no one else around that just lets my emotions get the best of me. It was even worse last night. It was raining.

Rain doesn't bother me; in fact, I love it. I frolick in it. It doesn't bother my Jeep either.

But last night it fit everything so perfectly. Driving by myself down a dark road at 11:00 with Can't Turn It Off cranked and a drizzle sweeping across my and the Jeep. It fit so perfectly. And I cried.